I don’t hear, ‘Doctor, my sex drive is too high. Please, do something about it. It’s killing my marriage.’” Sewell, who was deeply in love with her husband, Kip, but felt no desire to have sex with him (or anyone else), documents her sexploration and ‘journey’ to finding the right, intimate balance for both of them.
Despite some criticism once the book was published – that the couple were wildly mismatched in the first place – they managed to agree on a contract that worked. It involved hand jobs, lube jobs and, when she didn’t feel like being touched, her dressing up like a Playmate and letting him watch.
Sewell hasn’t followed up her bestseller and seems to be generally incognito online so there’s no way of knowing how the marriage panned out or whether her libido sky-rocketed mid menopause. I, for one, would devour an update!
However, what Sewell’s eventual agreement with Kip does support is the long-standing advice from sex therapists that penetrative sex should not be viewed as the Holy Grail, of love-making, and non-penetrative sex play as a consolation prize or ‘tide-over’ until the main event.
I feel guilty and ashamed that I don’t want less sex
All intimate touch and play is valid and strengthens a couple’s connection and should be respected as such. In the same vein, women often ‘gift’ sex to minichat username their partners when they’re not in the mood. This works in the short term or every now and then, especially if delivered with love and enthusiasm and not mid-waiting for your nails to dry as you catch an episode of Queer Eye over his shoulder. But ‘gifting’ is not a long-term solution either as the exchange will always feel one-sided.
For a resolutely un-horny woman, her sex quest was borne of generosity and love, with Kip her willing and apparently satisfied subject
So, what can you do? A visit to your GP is a good start to establish if there are any physical or psychological issues that you need to address. These could range from compromised thyroid function, diabetes and anaemia to exhaustion, anxiety and stress, as well as low self-esteem.
Open up with your husband about your wants and needs – which are likely to be non-sexual – and help him understand where you’re at. Your low libido could be due in part to the multiple non-sexualised roles you inhabit – mother, carer, provider, referee etc – as is common and related to always being in demand, or things being demanded of you. But try to separate yourself from this narrative and take responsibility for a return to your sexual self, showing your husband that you are seriously addressing his frustration and prioritising your sex life.
It’s also recommended to start masturbating again if you have stopped to reactivate your neurotransmitters and get a much-needed hit of serotonin, hopefully edging you back into the game.
Schedule ye olde weekly ‘date nights’ to talk and re-connect without the kids. It’s easy to let that slip but at this point open communication is imperative.
I would strongly suggest visiting a sex therapist, taking the time and patience to find the right one, which might mean several hits and misses. Sharing your sexual desires with each other and talking openly about your sex life is the next step. Your letter suggests that your lust bank is empty right now, or that you will at least have to dig very deep to conjure up a scenario that turns you on. A sex therapist will help you get there.